It is not uncommon for enablers to be unaware that what they are doing is actually unhelpful and allow the other person to continue their harmful behaviors. For example, an enabler might protect a person from facing the consequences of their actions and addiction because they think that that is the only way to keep them safe. However, this ends up in the other person continuing their destructive and addictive behaviors, and the situation worsening over time. Yes, enablers feel guilt, as their actions, though stemming from love or concern, often lead them to recognize the negative impact on the person they’re trying to help. This realization leads to feelings of guilt, regret, and even self-blame. It’s important to remember that enablers are often caught in a complex dynamic and need support to break free from the cycle.

Treatment & Support

This may make you feel like your own needs have fallen to the wayside. When an enabler stops enabling, the person with an alcohol or drug addiction may have an easier time seeking help. Fortunately, treatment programs are available when they’re ready to change. An overprotective parent may become an enabler when they allow their child, even an adult child, to neglect responsibilities or continue doing things that are harmful to them. This stage is often rooted in fear, guilt, or a desire to avoid conflict, and it prevents both the enabler and the other person from addressing the issue.

An enabler might do things because they fear that things will be worse if they don’t help them in the way that they do. This stage is often filled with guilt, frustration, and overwhelming stress, but it can also be the first step toward acknowledging the need for change and setting healthier boundaries. This can mean that they might keep the person from facing the consequences of their actions or resolve the other person’s problems themselves. The enabler might think, “I’m just trying to protect them from losing their job,” but this behavior only allows the problem to persist and delays the need for change. For example, a narcissistic enabler might protect a narcissist from facing the consequences of their actions.

Encourage them to get help

This pattern of self-sacrifice and people-pleasing significantly impact their overall well-being. It can be difficult to say no when someone we care about asks for our help, even if that “help” could cause more harm than good. You might feel torn seeing your loved one face a difficult moment.

• Individuals with codependent tendencies often prioritize the needs and behaviors of others over their own.
• More than a role, enabling is a dynamic that often arises in specific scenarios.
• Therapists often work with people who find themselves enabling loved ones to help them address these patterns and offer support in more helpful and positive ways.
• The following signs can help you recognize when a pattern of enabling behavior may have developed.
• This may allow the unhealthy behavior to continue, even if you believe a conflict-free environment will help the other person.

Caretaking Enabling

While the intention is to support the enabling behavior definition child, this behavior keeps them from learning responsibility, problem-solving skills, and the ability to manage their own challenges. For example, a parent might insist, “They’re just going through a rough patch; it’s not that bad,” even as their child’s substance use becomes more obvious. While this may keep things running smoothly in the short term, it allows the other person to avoid their responsibilities and creates an imbalance in the relationship.

“For a lot of people, learning to be assertive is a new and potentially uncomfortable skill set. It’s not that you need to cut the person out of your life necessarily, but they need to know that they are no longer welcome to come to you for support. Enabling can be hard to spot for the people within the enabling relationship.

What Is an Enabler?

• When a pattern of enabling characterizes a relationship, it’s fairly common for resentment, or feelings of anger and disappointment, to develop.
• This pattern of self-sacrifice and people-pleasing significantly impact their overall well-being.
• For example, provide transportation to appointments but refuse to cover expenses like rent or legal fees.
• It often makes it worse since an enabled person has less motivation to make changes if they keep getting help that reduces their need to make change.

Enabling happens when you justify or support problematic behaviors in a loved one under the guise that you’re helping them. That can be things like giving money to an adult child who hasn’t spent theirs wisely. And it’s counterproductive to the person you’re trying to help.

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They might insult you, belittle you, break or steal your belongings, or physically harm you. But avoiding discussion prevents you from bringing attention to the problem and helping your loved one address it in a healthy, positive way. It’s tempting to make excuses for your loved one to other family members or friends when you worry other people will judge them harshly or negatively. Even if you personally disagree with a loved one’s behavior, you might ignore it for any number of reasons. Enabling behavior is often unintentional and stems from a desire to help.

They may not agree to enter treatment right away, so you might have to mention it several times. Working with your own therapist can help you explore positive ways to bring up treatments that are right for your situation. Say your sister continues to leave her kids with you when she goes out. You agree to babysit because you want the kids to be safe, but your babysitting enables her to keep going out. But by not acknowledging the problem, you can encourage it, even if you really want it to stop.

What Is an Enabler Personality?

You may find yourself running the other person’s errands, doing their chores, or even completing their work. This can also include larger obligations, like caring for a sick relative. You may also justify their behavior to others or yourself by acknowledging they’ve gone through a difficult time or live with specific challenges. If you know someone who needs professional help, treatment is available.

It’s not easy for someone with substance abuse problems to avoid drugs or alcohol. Keeping alcohol or other drugs accessible can make it difficult for someone with an addiction. The first step in trying to support someone without enabling them is to acknowledge the things you have done that might have allowed the other person to continue their destructive behaviors.

Prioritize self-care to maintain emotional and mental well-being, which facilitates effective boundary-setting. Educate oneself about enabling behaviors, addiction, and mental health to better understand the dynamics at play. Establish clear boundaries and adhere to them consistently, prioritizing personal well-being by learning to say no and seeking therapy if necessary. If substance abuse is involved, create a substance-free environment to support recovery efforts. The focus is on supporting the loved one’s recovery without reinforcing harmful behaviors.

It keeps both people stuck—one avoiding responsibility and the other carrying more than they should. Unfortunately, most people don’t have the skillset to navigate things like addiction appropriately. For the enabler, this can be emotionally draining and damaging to their self-esteem. One of the distinct differences between a helper and an enabler is that a helper does things for others when that person can’t do it themselves. An enabler does things that the person should be able to do for themselves.

Managing enabling behavior may require that you first recognize the root cause of it. For this, it might be helpful to reach out to a mental health professional. “When you’re on the inside of an enabling dynamic, most people will think they’re just doing what’s best, that they’re being selfless or virtuous. In a lot of cases, it’s other people around you who are more likely to recognize that you’re helping someone who isn’t helping themselves,” Dr. Borland explains. The opposite of an enabler is someone who prevents or discourages another person from engaging in destructive behaviors.